i dont think our situations are massively similar as you definitely have more pressure on you to actually be there and do stuff on the daily but i can relate to there being a sort of unverbalisable problem with the state of things and feeling terrible despite it seeming like actually things are fine when you do describe it. since the summer i have been sitting down in front of my pc in the office or at home and i am unable to even do the tricks that in theory get you to start doing work, like hiding the phone across the room, or writing 50 words or breaking it down into smaller subtasks but when i talk to people about it the only explanation is that there's some sort of wall in my mind because there isn't actually a problem with what i have to do. i also don't have a solution for this as i am here writing this instead of doing my work for the day. and a lot of the time when people suggest solutions they feel insanely obvious and like ive tried them but actually i havent really done any of them because i cant make myself do them.

i guess the difference is that at the moment it isnt really spilling outside of my "work life" as i am somewhat able to do things without feeling terrible outside of the daily attempts to grind. enforcing limits on stuff that id probably qualify as slop somewhat helps with this but i dont know if its any different to read yet another slice of life manga for 3 hours instead of spending 3 hours on instagram reels. i really want to get into doing photography but the commitment to going outside and doing things is difficult and the financial cost of editing software or whatever means it is easier to just somewhat rot at home. this is also sort of just a rant as i do not have any particular solutions but uh one small win is i have successfully relearnt a piano piece. doing things is possible. maybe i will learn a new one this time.

• barold 28/11/2025