I feel like my entire life up until now i've had something to look forward to, reasonably or not.

I looked forward to GCSEs! Getting to drop most of the classes I didn't like. A-levels! Getting to focus on just the subjects I did. University! Being allowed to study just my favourite area with all the free time I could ask for and a departure from the fresh hell that was a 3 hour round commute. A year off! Projects and books galore with no oppressive curriculum and 24 hours a day entirely dictated by me. A job! Able to get better at what I love while getting paid!

Not a single thing panned out remotely close the ideal version in my head. A chasm of difference between expectation and reality.

You'd think i'd have learnt after the first few but never once did it come to mind. Stupidity? A selective amnesia? Something in my head preventing me from remembering? Maybe.

Still, it was nice to have something to look forward to. Perhaps it stopped me from enjoying the current moment as much as I could have, but it helped get me through.

I feel like I don't have a single thing to look forward to anymore. It's much worse.